Headlines
UTILITY TO INTRODUCE UNMARKED VEHICLES
Due to the rise of cases of people abstracting electricity, the SUS had to step up their game.
Utilizing a bunch of unmarked vehicles designed and built by various manufacturers, the Utility Service is expecting to catch as many offenders as possible while roaming the streets.
Just this morning, word of the first offender caught with an unmarked car spread like fire. When asked by the press about what she (the offender) felt, this was her statement:
"Ugh, like seriously?! Can you even believe the crap that just happened to me? So, I got totally busted by those freaking SUS losers for jacking up my electricity! Like, how dare they ruin my perfect, Instagram-worthy life?
I mean, I was just trying to keep my mansion lit and my designer appliances running, but apparently, they think they can mess with me. Like, hello? Do they not understand that I'm a VIP in this town? I should be exempt from such peasant rules!"
The suspect was handed over to the police and will face trial as soon as possible. Meanwhile, Jayla Semechen, Chief Service Officer for the SUS told us that "offenders will learn the laws the hard way."
BATTLE OF LORNDASSEN HS
A violent clash erupted yesterday at Lorndassen High School between two rival gangs, prompting intervention from the Snowstone National Constabulary. Gang members from both sides expressed resentment towards the authorities.
In a statement, Tiffany Worthington, a member of the Diamond Elite gang, lashed out, saying, "Those Snowstone plonkers think they can just barge in and spoil our reputation? Honestly, they're such pillocks! We own this school, and no amount of their pathetic policing will change that."
On the other side, Malik Johnson, a member of the Soul Kings gang, voiced his frustration, stating, "Man, them Snowstone fools be trippin'. They ain't showin' us no respect. They tryna keep us down, but we ain't gonna back off. We gonna rise up and show 'em who's boss on these streets!"
In response, the liaison officer of Lorndassen HS, Insp Victoria Pendingsen decided to use the classic "returning their insult" by just saying "You insufferable oafs" in front of the gang's "representatives".
WEATHER
As of now, our radar picked up a wind speed of 5km/h. The wind blows east, the rain is really heavy, and the flights are cancelled. Expect the same thing tomorrow.
Special Section
TACVECU REPORT
STATISTICS
Suspected drivers: 5000
Suspects found innocent: 1
Suspects found guilty: 4999
TOP 3 MOST COMMON CRIMES
- Illegal Street Racing - 3000 cases
- Reckless Driving - 2048 cases
- Distracted Driving - 2042 cases
THINGS SAID BY OFFENDERS
Some of the offenders asked us to use their initials for privacy.
•From Mr H M after being caught for speeding
"I must apologize for my hasty driving, but the truth is, I was in a right hurry because I thought I saw a squirrel stealing my tea and crumpets. Blimey, those little rascals will do anything for a proper cuppa!"
•From Ms J S after being caught for driving a stolen car
"Man, this is some next-level drama! The Snowstone crew had to go and rain on my parade. I was just tryna stunt in this sweet ride, feeling like a boss babe, and now I'm dealing with these law dogs. They caught me red-handed with this hot whip. Can't believe I thought I could pull a fast one. My street cred just took a major hit. Lesson learned, fam. Time to bounce back and keep it legit. No more playing with fire. Peace!"
•From a group of youths coming home from a pub
"Cheers to the Snowstone crew for keepin' the streets safe, even if it put a dampener on our night. Onwards and upwards, chaps!"