One again my train of creativity has crashed and its been making restless and insane for the past couple of weeks. This is why most of my newer planes are from other creators that I modify a bunch on. I get it gives the original creator points and its okay to make a better variant of something. But i want to create something of my own scratch built work. I can't help but feel bittersweet when my favorite creators like EngineeringOtaku, InuYasha, Bernkastel,Homemade, WFactory, and Ferrolon can make planes from scratch and be proud of them, and i'm still busy deciding what i want to make. However this is not the fault of myself or you guys (you guys are great) but the problem comes from the major events in my life.
-My poor relationship with my Bio-dad (its getting worse)
-My absense from my Step-dad (But he felt like dad to me)
-Corona-virus (im worried about catching it because i visit my Bio-dad every other week and he with his family likes to go out a lot, i don't)
-High school around the corner
-Kids my age and how to deal with them

It's mainly my Irl silence that makes people think I hate them. I'm not a social and a people-loving but a quiet person and i don't like to talk much. I keep to myself and bottle all my emotions, feelings, and personally ideals about me to myself. A lot of people try to push themselves onto me and i can't stand that, especially adults like my Bio-dad, who is trying to gain my trust and comfort. I don't know what it is but I can't bring myself to describe who I am, what I want, or what I like. The words get caught in my throat and then i can't speak, just stutter. I'm still having a hard time talking about this, and i'm literally typing it so...
Through a song I love and find most relatable to me is how i will describe my true self and what i wish for in life. I obviously want to become a pilot but now people (Irl) are telling me go this way or follow this path. The real supporters have been my Bio-mom and my encouragement comes from you guys. The song is not mine however I do relate to this song. It was recorded by Shirakami Fubuki, a Hololive Vtuber i love to watch. the song is called ????????????? (Bitter chocolate decoration) in translation. Note: its a japanese song, I will translate it here for you but here is the video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6RROopwuOg
Just copy and paste

I do my best not to trust people too much, not to love everyone, and not to expect anything. At the same time, I do my best to not cause any conflicts, not to put on airs, and not to stand out

I do my best not to hurt anyone, not to bully anyone, and not to kill anyone. At the same time, I do my best not to let my hypocrisy show through, and not to be arrogant.

I also mustn't forget to throw in a light joke and some smooth talk here and there, and to always smile and please everybody.

Bitter choco decoration- Just eat it all, and don't say a word.
Bitter choco decoration- you gotta fix your picky eating habit
If, after emptying your mind, your heart remaining is the real thing, then I'm sure you'd do the same

By the way, there's just one thing I want to ask: Did we meet somewhere the other day?....On second thought nevermind

I try my best not to reveal myself more than i have to, and not to talk about myself, so that people won't know too much about me. But I mustn't keep my mouth completely shut, and being laughed at than making people laugh

I do my best to respect others, to worship others, to praise others. But I absolutely mustn't let it turn into snide comments, and i mustn't make fun of others

This is a life sentence of group participation. There I go again, sucking up to others. Wow, your bangs look totally awesometastic! and so on-such inane things to say. Going on like this every morning, every night, I'm at my limit. It's like group lynching by a religious society. But I gotta make sure not to go insane.

Bitter choco decoration- at times, that lonely love would taint you.
Bitter choco decoration- when the birds leave, what remains behind is a piece of st art
I had such grand ideas at the beginning-always talking big, but now...
No often means yes
You know, I must say, considering today is your first time and you can already do this, you must have a knack for this*

Some bitter choco decoration for this season of love
Some bitter choco decoration with a feeling of love

F....Y.O.U*

Bitter choco decoration- I long for the ideal that everyone wishes for
Bitter choco decoration- I reduce my individuality and my emotions to ashes.
Bitter choco decoration- Kill your desires and ego, and bury them all underground.
Bitter choco decoration- I've finally grown up, mama

Surely, tomorrow, and the days after, this hell will continue on and on. Alas, so please, just for now, let me keep the feelings I had when I was but a child and be the naked me.

Ooh, I remember now! You're that serious looking person from back then...

On second thought, nevermind

This is the first time i've made like a post like this. Hopefully it will be the last. This is harder for me mentally than physically. Anyway hopefully i'll come out with something nice soon. Arigato.....