Read the entire thing and I am left rather... I won't say confused, but disoriented. There's huge potential here. The concept of switching to the ethereal being state or whatever that is meant to be can be used immensely well if executed well
Here though... it's uh... it's just daunting. I can't tell what is happening and the main character literally seems to not give a shit. That said, the descriptions that you wrote are great. It paints a vivid picture... and there is, having read the entire thing, a possibly good plot at play here. But it does need a heck of a lot of work to reach that potential it set. Let me know if you want me to try writing it in my way and attempt to fix the issues I pointed out
To elaborate on the clarity thing, early on, I can't tell what the stakes are at hand. I can't tell what is going on until much later when the action has long since started. It's only when our main character is beelining towards the broken tubes that I realized that the guys need to fix it quick or the ship can't fire back.
@Graingy Good writing, bad clarity. It lost my attention halfway through; I'll still read what I have left but that was my immediate first impression. There seems to be a good amount of unclarified exposition early on and it does seem to later pickup, showing more stakes and making the dangers clear... But that's at-least 2 or 3 paragraphs in...
Fix? Start the entire thing with a few very powerful words that encapsulate what is about to happen.
This is some beautiful body work man. Love it.
+1UCAV?
Oh we are so in this man.
T
+1@Graingy Its out btw... HERE
I once again Silently ask that you check out the absolute pinnacle of engineering that is this plane by clicking on another goddamn link
@Graingy What the heck 💀
GUYS I DONT EVEN LIKE THIS ONE THAT MUCH WHY IS IT GETTING THIS BELATED ATTENTION REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe
@LJh1 Vroom Technology :D
+1I didn't expect another bus so soon XD
+1@AWESOMENESS360 Agreed but it would be kind of fun if you can get over the motion sickness xD
@WritersCrusadersAirCo2 thank you :)
+1@ChaseplaneKLWith1MG You still goin strong, comrade?
+1Happy belated birthday
@WritersCrusadersAirCo2
@rexzion
@126
@LJh1
@jamesPLANESii
Requested tags
@126
+1@LJh1
@jamesPLANESii
@LJh1 Cool car and cool name. Take my updoots
+1@intruder72 We friend now :)
I am friended you
THis is me Friend is you.
@Graingy the entire city of Osaka stubbed their toe.
Click
@126 wierd
Wish I could delete it as the guy who uploaded this post
@MIGFOXHOUND31BSM26 I've got 2.
@overlord5453 YES. I'M THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD!
+3Also credit to @ThomasRoderick for the editing lol
@WisconsinStatePolice Kindle Direct Publishing.
+1@TheMouse thx
@Eggplant wouldn't it be unnatural for military vets to just use ordinary words after being surrounded by people who swear?
@hpgbproductions This is only the beginning
@ComradeSandman Agreed. Gonna keep that in mind for later chapters
+1@ThomasRoderick
@126
@ComradeSandman
@Noname918181818181818181
@hpgbproductions
@jamesPLANESii
@OrangeConnor2
@Graingy
Read the entire thing and I am left rather... I won't say confused, but disoriented. There's huge potential here. The concept of switching to the ethereal being state or whatever that is meant to be can be used immensely well if executed well
Here though... it's uh... it's just daunting. I can't tell what is happening and the main character literally seems to not give a shit. That said, the descriptions that you wrote are great. It paints a vivid picture... and there is, having read the entire thing, a possibly good plot at play here. But it does need a heck of a lot of work to reach that potential it set. Let me know if you want me to try writing it in my way and attempt to fix the issues I pointed out
+2To elaborate on the clarity thing, early on, I can't tell what the stakes are at hand. I can't tell what is going on until much later when the action has long since started. It's only when our main character is beelining towards the broken tubes that I realized that the guys need to fix it quick or the ship can't fire back.
+2@Graingy Good writing, bad clarity. It lost my attention halfway through; I'll still read what I have left but that was my immediate first impression. There seems to be a good amount of unclarified exposition early on and it does seem to later pickup, showing more stakes and making the dangers clear... But that's at-least 2 or 3 paragraphs in...
Fix? Start the entire thing with a few very powerful words that encapsulate what is about to happen.
+1@OrangeConnor2 just did.
+2@Graingy used to be but a tiny particle in sand
+1@Graingy I used to be a martian at some point
+1@Graingy mhm. Very fun being in meat hoarded buses, I tell ya.
+1@Graingy junior college, India.
+1College starts at 16 for us in mumbai
@Graingy I saw the first paragraph and I think the writing is well done.
+1@Graingy just returning from college. Will get back to you in around an hour or so.
+1@Graingy sure
+1@Graingy I---don't---know---i---ended---up---typing---away
+2@Graingy I don't know I just ended up typing away
+1@Graingy jeez even I didn't realize that.
@ComradeSandman Indeed. A light novel type thing but in volumes. This is not the entire story, it's part of a much bigger one.
@ComradeSandman No, really. I started at 11 in the morning then finished at 1am at night. I was really compassionate in those moments lol
+1@Boeing727200F You can sell them on KDP as E-books if you want to let the world see.